The Curse of Knowing How, or; Fixing Everything.
Like Camus’ Sisyphus, we are condemned to push the boulder of our own systems uphill—one fix, one refactor, one script at a time. But unlike the story of Sisyphus, the curse is not placed onto you by some god. We built the boulder ourselves. And we keep polishing it on the way up.
I want to quote the entire post. This may be the best thing I have read this year.
The author quotes Marcus Aurelius to frame an argument that this boulder we have created and are cursed to push uphill has a deeper emotional core.
You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Programming lures us into believing that we can control outside events. We self-soothe by building. We need the small victories that building a new tool or writing a script bestow. We refactor that tool we built, not because it is messy, but because our lives are messy. This technical work becomes emotional regulation.
Reflecting on the past and taking inventory of the projects started, tools rebuilt, systems tinkered with, and the times in which I did those things, the authors reality become my own reality. His truths become mine. The burnout he warns of is only a few steps behind me. I do use programming as emotional regulation. I too want to defy what is real. I want to assert control when things are out of control.
Nietzsche warned of gazing too long into the abyss. But he did not warn what happens when the abyss is a Makefile or a 30k line of code Typescript project.
lmao.
There is a light at the end. Recognition of the patterns is a good step to changing them. The author also calls for learning to let go as we are not responsible to fix all the things. I agree.